The 3rd Criteria It Is A Dependency In Which The Behaviours Of Others Seems, Emphasize The Word, Seems To Control Your Life.
I Got To Get Them To Grow Then I Can Be Spiritual, My Freedom, My Happiness, My Independence Has Nothing To Do With Me It Has Everything To Do With Fixing Them, Controlling Them, Getting Them To Change.
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Their behaviours control me. It’s a dependency in which the behaviour of others controls you or seems to control you.
In a codependency relationship, it is a dependency. A dependency, where one feels, the problem is the control of the other, the other controlling behaviour is so repressive, so imprisoning, so hurtful, and so suffocating, that the only way I can possibly change, the only way I can finally be free, is to control their controlling behaviour.
The wife or husband of an alcoholic or drug addict past. In a codependent relationship, the one clean and sober will say I got to make them (the recovering or recovered addict or alcoholic) happy, I got to make them laugh, I got to make them do things, I got to entertain them, I got to distract them from the bottle or pipe. IF I can just keep them from drinking, keep them from using, keep him from hitting me, or keep her from hitting me if I can just placate (appease) them if I can stop them from hitting me or keep them from taking the drug, keep them from going out with their friends, keep them going to work, keep them doing exercise if I can just control everything, even their controlling behaviour then I Can Be Finally Free. I got to get to stop drinking then I Can Be Happy
It is my responsibility to keep them safe and happy. Codependency
You see if they start drinking then their life is over. When they drink or use they become oppressive, controlling, suffocating, so the only way I can be free is to hide the bottle, hopefully, they will forget about it, if I do nice, if I fix this, if I do what they want to do, if I bring home flowers if I clean the house, do the laundry, buy them this, and if I do this, etc., I will keep them from drinking and using.
Where you become obsessed with controlling their controlling behaviours in order to be free.
If I can get them a decent job then I can sleep at night, I got to get them to stop obsessing, then I can relax, I got to get them to grow then I can be spiritual, my freedom, my happiness, my independence has nothing to do with me it has everything to do with fixing them, controlling them, getting them to change.
It happens in those sorts of Codependency, it happens in less obvious ones, I could grow if I could only get my husband interested in metaphysics, I could grow if only my wife would understand me and what I am doing with my higher self and my Spirituality, I could grow if only my parents would see me, or if only my children would listen.
When I have a situation where their behaviours seems to be controlling me and I become obsessed with having to control their behaviours so I can be free. I’m not working on my growth I am working on getting them to give me permission to grow. I’m not changing my reality I’m working on them to get it. That they create theirs if they would just get it then I would be happy. I’m obsessed with controlling their controlling behaviour then I can be free. Then I can do what I want. Then I can be happy.
If I could just get them to stop beating the kids then all would be well. Never occurring that you could take the kids away, maybe you could make some changes yourself, maybe could call the police, no no no I got to control them. You see.
Many of you have experienced the downside of that in your own shame if being abused by one parent and watching the other tippy-toe around with the excuse of I said anything it would have only made it worse. I had to control them, now settle down now, it’s okay, her let’s do this, I got to control them to be free.
That’s the third criteria that it’s a dependency that their behaviours seem to be controlling me and I become obsessed with controlling their behaviour in order to be free.
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